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Photo by Yuliya Kosolapova on Unsplash. Definitely not me.

I Got A Haircut, so All You Instamodels Better Watch Out

I’m stealing your followers.

I went to a new hair-cutting place last Thursday, and I got a Pretty Good new haircut. It’s much better at framing my face than the last one I had, and I swear I sat there for over an hour while she thinned it so it would wave around and look pretty instead of being shaped like some kind of thick weird brown triangle you’d see on a comedy-show version of a middle school geek girl:

That’s not me, folks. Not anymore.

I’m gorgeous. Or, at least, I’m way less ugly.

And that means I’m going to be more famous than you, really really soon.

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Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash. Also definitely not me.

Seriously, though, I know you’re 20 years younger than I am, and at least 150 pounds lighter— if you’re ‘plus size.’ I know you do crazy stuff like “Take pictures of pretty food,” “Take pictures of the fun things you do,” “Dress well,” “Wear makeup,” “Go to concerts,” and “Understand the cultural zeitgeist,” but I’m pretty sure my new layers and professional blow-out supersede all that.

Because I look good.

Really good.

Are you scared?

I know it’s late for Halloween, but you should be trembling in your oh-so-fashionable boots you probably got for free from some company so you can show them off to your 2 million followers. And they’re pretty. Are they comfortable?

Soon, children, soon I will be the one with free boots. And free makeup. And free samples of weird hair care products.

You can’t escape me. I know who you are, and my all-powerful haircut will overtake your hard-won influencer skills.

At least for the next three weeks until it grows out.

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Ok, this one is me. Photo copyright me.

Did you think this was funny? See more possibly funny things here:

I still write sometimes, and I have a buttload of already-written stuff. So there you go.

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