I’m stealing your followers.
Attention, Beautiful Young Instagram People:
I went to a new hair-cutting place last Thursday, and I got a Pretty Good new haircut. It’s much better at framing my face than the last one I had, and I swear I sat there for over an hour while she thinned it so it would wave around and look pretty instead of being shaped like some kind of thick weird brown triangle you’d see on a comedy-show version of a middle school geek girl:
Mary Katherine Gallagher Wants to Join a Gang
Watch Saturday Night Live highlight 'Mary Katherine Gallagher Wants to Join a Gang' on NBC.com
That’s not me, folks. Not anymore.
I’m gorgeous. Or, at least, I’m way less ugly.
And that means I’m going to be more famous than you, really really soon.
Seriously, though, I know you’re 20 years younger than I am, and at least 150 pounds lighter— if you’re ‘plus size.’ I know you do crazy stuff like “Take pictures of pretty food,” “Take pictures of the fun things you do,” “Dress well,” “Wear makeup,” “Go to concerts,” and “Understand the cultural zeitgeist,” but I’m pretty sure my new layers and professional blow-out supersede all that.
Because I look good.
Are you scared?
I know it’s late for Halloween, but you should be trembling in your oh-so-fashionable boots you probably got for free from some company so you can show them off to your 2 million followers. And they’re pretty. Are they comfortable?
Soon, children, soon I will be the one with free boots. And free makeup. And free samples of weird hair care products.
You can’t escape me. I know who you are, and my all-powerful haircut will overtake your hard-won influencer skills.
And I will be famous, at last.
At least for the next three weeks until it grows out.
Did you think this was funny? See more possibly funny things here:
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I can’t hear the banging and clanking, either. Or the train.