You think you don’t need these, but you do.

  1. You may already be on a date. Are you at a coffee shop? In the laundromat? At your uncle’s funeral? Literally anywhere there are people to whom you’re not related? Congratulations! You are on a date! Time to flirt with people and find out things about them! If that works, tell them your life story.
  2. Maybe actually don’t flirt with people at your uncle’s funeral.
  3. Remember that other people are interesting, and you should listen to their fascinating stories too. Unless they’re not interesting, in which case, find someone else and repeat rule 1.
  4. You can join clubs. There are people in clubs.
  5. Wait, who am I kidding? You’re already in clubs. Ask some of the people in your clubs to go for coffee.
  6. People are great, right? But you don’t have to date ALL of them. Some people can just be friends. Or acquaintances. Or cashiers at the gas station.
  7. Similarly, if someone is at a job, and their job is to be nice to you, please don’t ask for their number unless they make it really, really clear that they want you to have it. Preferably by giving it to you without being prompted.
  8. As you probably know from being an extrovert, it’s easy for people you’re talking to to confuse “General interest in people and their stories” with “Sexual interest in you, particularly.” Please don’t do this.
  9. It’s better, in fact, to assume a person isn’t interested in you “that way” until they make it clear. You can, if you’re careful, make this uncertainty last until you are married to them.
  10. Bars are a good place to meet people casually, but don’t wait until you’re drunk to talk to them. Not only are you less clever than you think when you’re drunk, you may end up asking out a lamppost, or a sofa, or an actual grizzly bear.
  11. Seriously, there’s such a thing as being too outgoing and open to new experiences.
  12. The sea is full of fish: if your date doesn’t work out, you don’t need to get obsessed. Yes, you’re personable, and attractive, and you like people and are funny and everything — that just means you can get someone else. You don’t need to stalk people. Or call them late at night. Or text weird stuff to them, or send weird gifts.
  13. No, seriously, someone else will appreciate your weird gifts more.
  14. Ok, now that you’ve put down the Amazon account — did you put down the Amazon account?
  15. Really. You don’t need to spend the money on stickers that say “Dogs are neat” and have a picture of a poodle dressed as a French maid — this will not make them love you.
  16. You can look for someone else. Really. Remember rule 1?
  17. Go back and read rule 1.
  18. Read it again.
  19. Now go get coffee and talk to the person behind you in line. Or if that fails, go to church, or the bar, or any public event. You could even check out dating apps.
  20. Do not go to the game preserve. Especially if you’re already drunk.
Seriously not your type when you’re sober.

Want to see how the other side lives? Check out my equally useful Dating Tips for Introverts.

I still write sometimes, and I have a buttload of already-written stuff. So there you go.

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